Struggling

My new favorite singer is Audrey Assad.   Today I relate well to her song, "Lament".

I'm Mary and I'm Martha all at the same time;
I'm sitting at His feet and yet I'm dying to be recognized.
I am a picture of contentment and I am dissatisfied.
Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes,
sometimes,sometimes

I'm restless, and I rustle like a thousand tall trees;
I'm twisting and I'm turning in an endless daydream.
You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of You...
but try as I might, I just can't catch You
But I want to, 'cause I need You, yes, I need You
I can't catch You, but I want to.

This is supposed to be an adoption blog.  I found the right agency in June.  I downloaded all the paperwork and got to work.  I was excited.  Then darn it, July and August had to roll around and spoil everything.  We put my mom in a behavioral hospital in July hoping to see some daylight in this deep, dark hole she has lived in for 9 months.  After five long weeks in that hospital she was still in the dark but with new medication.  We've had a death in our family, a  breast cancer diagnosis, and an aunt who needs a new liver.  We spent an August afternoon in the ER at Baptist Hospital with my mom.  Then a week of praying that mom's biopsy was not cancer.  It has been a year long struggle with congestive heart failure, depression, hospitals, doctors, medicine, bills, collection agencies, ER visits, trips to St. Luke's in Houston, Baptist Beaumont, and Oceans Hospital in Lake Charles.

Why am I including the health of my family?  It's part of my adoption story.  It's been hard to focus on fundraising for an adoption when my mom does not want to get out of bed.  My mom is one of my best friends.  I want her to be a part of this story.  I want my second daughter to experience her Grans.  Daughter #1 has had her Grans spoil her rotten for a few years.

We want to adopt our little girl from Moldova.  We want a debt free adoption.  Then there's the "to fundraise or not fundraise" struggle.  Is it right to fundraise for a child? Our girl will come with a price tag ranging anywhere from $25,000-$30,000.  One girl.  She's worth every penny and I haven't even met her.  The application and the international Hague approved home study is a little less than what it costs for some women in the U.S. to give birth. That's why the application is still sitting on my desk.  I do not want to go into debt.  But I want to get my girl out of the orphanage I'm certain she is living in today.

Audrey Assad's song sums it up.  I am content knowing that in these hard times my God has not left my side.  Yet I'm dissatisfied that my mom is not better and that the adoption app has not been mailed off.

I miss my mom desperately.

I'm restless.

I'm struggling.